Sour whiskey goes down smooth... yummy!
So, what does sex mean to you?
That's quite a broad question, certainly, and one that I really can't answer in its entirety without writing a small book, but a brief summary of my history with sex goes something like this. Later on, I'll pose the question: How do sex and love tie together? Until then, Part I:
Around the age of 11 I began to experience my first serious sexual attraction to girls (although I personally believe that it was more like 8 or 9). It was small stuff at first. Rather than seeing girls in my elementary classes as human beings, friends, or classmates, some of them stood out to me more so than others. They were the ones that I began to desire not just on a friendship level, but because I experienced a physical attraction. This notion took off in middle school, with an assortment of people crossing my path that I took a great physical interest in, almost always without ever getting to know these people, merely because I was a wuss.
It wasn't until high school that I met girls who finally became more than a physically attraction to me. I finally found a "type" too -- blonde, not too skinny nor fat, rounded nose, glowing eyes, and a cute smile...
Throughout high school I began to realize what true "horniness" was. I began to crave sex not as a relationship benefit, but as a necessity that I would need in my life. This fact began to shine through in my personality, with daily talk, traits, and quirks about me always being sex-related. My short stories constantly included sexual references (although never direct sex scenes... my writing was never mature enough to do such scenes with dignity). Finally by my senior year, I was ready to snap. Breasts were daily distractions, butts merely a grab away, and the feelings of sexual liberation, pressures, and norms were beginning to seemingly destroy my life.
Despite friendships versus relationships, it was my senior year, on Valentine's Day, ironically enough, that I decided to lose my virginity. It was not with a girlfriend at the time (an ex, actually), and we did it almost on a whim (only a few days' notice).
I don't regret having sex on that February 14th, but I DO regret growing up so fast. As it turns out, sex matures a person pretty quickly. But damn, it felt good to just *know* what sex was like. Turns out, it's wonderful.
After several other sexual liaisons over a another year and a half, I decided that it is difficult for me to live without sex. Because of this, I've been branded a hornball, a pervert, and a predator. Now I fight a daily battle to resist the very hormones that make me human.
Why not just give in to my hormones and find easy sex? That question will be answered soon enough in Part II of this mini essay!
So...
As of this blog post, I haven't had sex in nearly nine months (and that was from a stable relationship), and it's taken almost that long to let my body balance itself out, bringing my daily life more in line with reality rather than the constant pursuit of sex. Control over my own hormones is an issue that I honestly deal with, and it's the deepest, darkest secret that I no longer keep.
Here I am world... fuck me, please.
Coming Soon, Part II... stay tuned!
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