Ever since I graduated from college, I've been at a loss in my life; something has been missing. Although I have kept busy with work (Meijer), friends (Colleen), and gaming (WoW and Wii, mostly), I have spent most of this summer in a slump of sorts; in that "what am I going to do with my life?" kind of slump.
I can finally shed light on why I feel this way: I'm simply not me.
From working 40 hours at Meijer to spending a ton of time with my girlfriend to losing myself in games in between, my daily routine is a battle against time. I wish I had more time for myself, essentially. If I used to take days at a time to be alone, reflect, work out, or write, I'm now having to squeeze these things into a few scattered hours per week. With such a tight schedule, I'm losing my creative and expressive self (which pretty much defines me) to a work-aholic, sex-driven, day-wasting gamer.
This couldn't be any more apparent than right now. I'm at a party with a ton of people and my girlfriend, yet despite being in a familiar place and with familiar people, I can't help but shake an incredible sadness that has been eating at me for weeks. I want out. I want to do my own thing. I don't want to stay in BG anymore. I don't want to spend money on crappy fast food anymore. I don't want to work at Meijer anymore. I don't want to play games like it's my only escape from everything else in my life. I want to be alone.
It's hard to be social at a party where I only know everyone by name, and little else. It's also hard to be social when the voices, the noise, the laughter, and my very reason for being at this party annoys the hell out of me. I want to go home for good. I want to be myself. I want to be alone.
Out.
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