Some days you wake up feeling like crap. Other days you wake up feeling like a million bucks. Most days you wake up to the usual routine. Then a scant few days, you wake up sick and tired of that routine.
Today was one of those days when I can't help but break out of my claustrophobic little shell.
My life thus far this summer has fallen into a sick, twisted little routine that is rewriting the book on unhappiness. Unhappiness takes many forms, but I have thus far this summer been unable to identify my beasts' current form. I believe monotony and routine, anger and sadness, controls and limitations have been my primary enemies. Today I woke up, fell into my usual routine, and realized pretty quickly that I'm in a goddamn rut.
So when everything seems to be at it's lowest, I only know one way out: change. Long-time readers of Critically Correct know that I'm big on change, when change is warranted and appropriate. But lately, I've had no reason to change. Change for me is a future prospect: getting my first job is supposed to be when my life takes off, when everything on my "to do" list gets done (1. buy new clothes, 2. buy a new laptop, 3. get in shape, 4. learn some new languages, etc.). But why wait?
More than anything, I've been in a rut because I have refused to acknowledge that a lot of things in my life are dragging me down, preventing me from really pushing myself. I'm limited by my laziness, held back by my schedule, and not-in-control of my mood - in other words, all things that contribute to my overall unhappiness with life right now. Not. Any. More... goddammit.
This week has been a stark bump in the ass about where I stand with my career. I'm not going to be working in Troy, OH, at least not where I originally wanted. I attribute this to the fact that I'm still young and inexperienced in a job market that seeks diversity and top talent. As a solution, I'm embarking on a mission to learn two or three technologies (ASP.NET, Java come to mind right away). I'm scheduling time every week (three to four days) to work on this, as if I was still in school.
I get pains in random places where I didn't used to have pains. I'm lacking energy like you wouldn't believe (which is why video games seem so appetizing). I love food. Point in case, I've been wanting to get in shape for some time. I'm not looking to just lose weight or look better - I'm just looking to walk a hundred feet without gasping for air afterwards. I have set aside time and inspiration for this. Exercise has always been one of the best "highs" for me - I have always just hated the effort in getting that far. With Wii Fit nearby, equipment in my room, my bike not far away, and plenty of country road to run on, I'm off to a new workout routine starting... today.
I'm pulled in multiple directions every day by my social life... sort of. My social life right now consists of me and my girlfriend. I'm torn between wanting to do my own thing and spending time with Colleen. Thanks to my own dumbass mistakes in the past, unfortunately, I can't move 20 feet without reporting my position, which is a crappy debt that I have to pay, but one that I don't entirely mind having to pay, in the name of love, of course. Long story short, because I need to get so much else done (see above), I need to figure out a way to balance my own needs with those of a young, loving, yet damaged relationship.
Unhappiness takes many forms, but I don't need to let the obvious ones hinder my well-being. Beginning today, that won't be the case any longer. I can't be unhappy anymore. I won't be this unhappy anymore.
B3 out.
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