My life is rarely full of excitement (take note of my rather slow-moving blog as proof). But then this past week came along, and turned everything upside down.
I began the week just as I would any other: I worked early at Meijer on Sunday, and prepared myself for a full work week later in the day. Come Monday morning, however, I began experiencing mild pain in my chest, although I initially wrote this off as a "wait and see" problem. Work went well that day, and by 2:30pm I barely recognized the pain in my chest. By dinner time, however, I was hurting... barely able to move or eat without experiencing some form of pain in my chest. Worried, I called my mom and set out to fix the problem.
After sleeping on it well into Tuesday (I had already called off work at this point), I was still in plenty of pain, so I made my way to my doctor's. After a fairly routine exam and an EKG, thanks to some minor irregular heartbeats, I was instructed to go to the hospital for blood tests. I wasn't aware immediately, however, that I would be there overnight. I've never actually been in a hospital, so the whole experience was new for me, to say the least.
I arrived at the ER of my mom's hospital around 3:30pm Tuesday afternoon, and was admitted as though my heart was the problem. With that out of the way, I underwent a battery of tests (blood, stress, etc.) to rule out any heart problems that might be causing my chest pain. I found that a stay in the hospital wasn't as bad as it could have been... the food was decent, I got to watch cable TV, and the numerous nurses took really good care of me. Besides the constant tug of an IV need in my left arm and some blood-draws gone awry, I actually didn't have a problem with staying in the hospital. If I ever have to go back, I certainly wouldn't have as large a fear about it as I did last week!
Oh, and or the record, I officially have this.
With that ordeal out of the way, I have returned to a routine that sees me in a tough place. Although I have a (much-deserved) mini vacation from work this week, I'm burdened with a lot on my mind, a quick list of which looks like this: job hunting, calling previous job offers back, a bill to pay, a girlfriend to see (lots of!), cleaning and organizing to do, but of course, the Wood County Fair. While I'm not too hyped about half of that list, I am thrilled that the fair is here. The fair was a crucial part of my high school experience: a time to see friends before the new school year began. Throughout college, the fair was the anti-cool: by contrasts of the computer-geek, alcohol-exploring, girl-chasing guys that I was, the fair was a dirt-hole of animal poo and greasy food. Now that I'm free and good to go post-college, the fair sounds like an awesome break to me: no work, no school; just greasy food, lots of good weather, and a beautiful girl by my side to share it with. It will be weird to not see many people from my high school years (most have moved on, obviously). Still, I'm looking forward to the rest of this week more than any other in recent memory.
B3 out (but hopefully back sooner rather than later).
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
The Almost Post
I've been itching to get back into fiction this summer - I have tons of story concepts unearthing themselves in my mind everyday, but I haven't quite made it a priority to lock myself in front of a computer to write. Among other things, I just don't have time. Today I took some time, however, to write an original fiction piece entitled "Brandon Bruno, 1984 - 2063." It was my fictional obituary.
As an exercise, I was intending to use it as a guidepost: when I die, what would my obituary read, and am I thus far on a path to accomplish all the goals laid out in my obituary? Weird thing is, after I wrote it up, I stopped, selected all the text, and deleted my entire manuscript. Was the concept too morbid for me, or did it feel like a bullshit exercise; too constraining and limiting for my future plans?
I'm not quite sure yet, but something about my future seems unsettling, incomplete, and worrisome. In other words, I don't want to think about my future, I want to think about my past... and that might just be at the heart of my current slump. I'm not sure which is worse: that no one understands me or that I don't want anyone to understand me.
Out.
As an exercise, I was intending to use it as a guidepost: when I die, what would my obituary read, and am I thus far on a path to accomplish all the goals laid out in my obituary? Weird thing is, after I wrote it up, I stopped, selected all the text, and deleted my entire manuscript. Was the concept too morbid for me, or did it feel like a bullshit exercise; too constraining and limiting for my future plans?
I'm not quite sure yet, but something about my future seems unsettling, incomplete, and worrisome. In other words, I don't want to think about my future, I want to think about my past... and that might just be at the heart of my current slump. I'm not sure which is worse: that no one understands me or that I don't want anyone to understand me.
Out.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
And You're Not Thinking About Tomorrow, 'Cause You Were the Same As Me
Some days you wake up feeling like crap. Other days you wake up feeling like a million bucks. Most days you wake up to the usual routine. Then a scant few days, you wake up sick and tired of that routine.
Today was one of those days when I can't help but break out of my claustrophobic little shell.
My life thus far this summer has fallen into a sick, twisted little routine that is rewriting the book on unhappiness. Unhappiness takes many forms, but I have thus far this summer been unable to identify my beasts' current form. I believe monotony and routine, anger and sadness, controls and limitations have been my primary enemies. Today I woke up, fell into my usual routine, and realized pretty quickly that I'm in a goddamn rut.
So when everything seems to be at it's lowest, I only know one way out: change. Long-time readers of Critically Correct know that I'm big on change, when change is warranted and appropriate. But lately, I've had no reason to change. Change for me is a future prospect: getting my first job is supposed to be when my life takes off, when everything on my "to do" list gets done (1. buy new clothes, 2. buy a new laptop, 3. get in shape, 4. learn some new languages, etc.). But why wait?
More than anything, I've been in a rut because I have refused to acknowledge that a lot of things in my life are dragging me down, preventing me from really pushing myself. I'm limited by my laziness, held back by my schedule, and not-in-control of my mood - in other words, all things that contribute to my overall unhappiness with life right now. Not. Any. More... goddammit.
This week has been a stark bump in the ass about where I stand with my career. I'm not going to be working in Troy, OH, at least not where I originally wanted. I attribute this to the fact that I'm still young and inexperienced in a job market that seeks diversity and top talent. As a solution, I'm embarking on a mission to learn two or three technologies (ASP.NET, Java come to mind right away). I'm scheduling time every week (three to four days) to work on this, as if I was still in school.
I get pains in random places where I didn't used to have pains. I'm lacking energy like you wouldn't believe (which is why video games seem so appetizing). I love food. Point in case, I've been wanting to get in shape for some time. I'm not looking to just lose weight or look better - I'm just looking to walk a hundred feet without gasping for air afterwards. I have set aside time and inspiration for this. Exercise has always been one of the best "highs" for me - I have always just hated the effort in getting that far. With Wii Fit nearby, equipment in my room, my bike not far away, and plenty of country road to run on, I'm off to a new workout routine starting... today.
I'm pulled in multiple directions every day by my social life... sort of. My social life right now consists of me and my girlfriend. I'm torn between wanting to do my own thing and spending time with Colleen. Thanks to my own dumbass mistakes in the past, unfortunately, I can't move 20 feet without reporting my position, which is a crappy debt that I have to pay, but one that I don't entirely mind having to pay, in the name of love, of course. Long story short, because I need to get so much else done (see above), I need to figure out a way to balance my own needs with those of a young, loving, yet damaged relationship.
Unhappiness takes many forms, but I don't need to let the obvious ones hinder my well-being. Beginning today, that won't be the case any longer. I can't be unhappy anymore. I won't be this unhappy anymore.
B3 out.
Today was one of those days when I can't help but break out of my claustrophobic little shell.
My life thus far this summer has fallen into a sick, twisted little routine that is rewriting the book on unhappiness. Unhappiness takes many forms, but I have thus far this summer been unable to identify my beasts' current form. I believe monotony and routine, anger and sadness, controls and limitations have been my primary enemies. Today I woke up, fell into my usual routine, and realized pretty quickly that I'm in a goddamn rut.
So when everything seems to be at it's lowest, I only know one way out: change. Long-time readers of Critically Correct know that I'm big on change, when change is warranted and appropriate. But lately, I've had no reason to change. Change for me is a future prospect: getting my first job is supposed to be when my life takes off, when everything on my "to do" list gets done (1. buy new clothes, 2. buy a new laptop, 3. get in shape, 4. learn some new languages, etc.). But why wait?
More than anything, I've been in a rut because I have refused to acknowledge that a lot of things in my life are dragging me down, preventing me from really pushing myself. I'm limited by my laziness, held back by my schedule, and not-in-control of my mood - in other words, all things that contribute to my overall unhappiness with life right now. Not. Any. More... goddammit.
This week has been a stark bump in the ass about where I stand with my career. I'm not going to be working in Troy, OH, at least not where I originally wanted. I attribute this to the fact that I'm still young and inexperienced in a job market that seeks diversity and top talent. As a solution, I'm embarking on a mission to learn two or three technologies (ASP.NET, Java come to mind right away). I'm scheduling time every week (three to four days) to work on this, as if I was still in school.
I get pains in random places where I didn't used to have pains. I'm lacking energy like you wouldn't believe (which is why video games seem so appetizing). I love food. Point in case, I've been wanting to get in shape for some time. I'm not looking to just lose weight or look better - I'm just looking to walk a hundred feet without gasping for air afterwards. I have set aside time and inspiration for this. Exercise has always been one of the best "highs" for me - I have always just hated the effort in getting that far. With Wii Fit nearby, equipment in my room, my bike not far away, and plenty of country road to run on, I'm off to a new workout routine starting... today.
I'm pulled in multiple directions every day by my social life... sort of. My social life right now consists of me and my girlfriend. I'm torn between wanting to do my own thing and spending time with Colleen. Thanks to my own dumbass mistakes in the past, unfortunately, I can't move 20 feet without reporting my position, which is a crappy debt that I have to pay, but one that I don't entirely mind having to pay, in the name of love, of course. Long story short, because I need to get so much else done (see above), I need to figure out a way to balance my own needs with those of a young, loving, yet damaged relationship.
Unhappiness takes many forms, but I don't need to let the obvious ones hinder my well-being. Beginning today, that won't be the case any longer. I can't be unhappy anymore. I won't be this unhappy anymore.
B3 out.
Friday, July 04, 2008
Wanting More, Escaping Nowhere
Ever since I graduated from college, I've been at a loss in my life; something has been missing. Although I have kept busy with work (Meijer), friends (Colleen), and gaming (WoW and Wii, mostly), I have spent most of this summer in a slump of sorts; in that "what am I going to do with my life?" kind of slump.
I can finally shed light on why I feel this way: I'm simply not me.
From working 40 hours at Meijer to spending a ton of time with my girlfriend to losing myself in games in between, my daily routine is a battle against time. I wish I had more time for myself, essentially. If I used to take days at a time to be alone, reflect, work out, or write, I'm now having to squeeze these things into a few scattered hours per week. With such a tight schedule, I'm losing my creative and expressive self (which pretty much defines me) to a work-aholic, sex-driven, day-wasting gamer.
This couldn't be any more apparent than right now. I'm at a party with a ton of people and my girlfriend, yet despite being in a familiar place and with familiar people, I can't help but shake an incredible sadness that has been eating at me for weeks. I want out. I want to do my own thing. I don't want to stay in BG anymore. I don't want to spend money on crappy fast food anymore. I don't want to work at Meijer anymore. I don't want to play games like it's my only escape from everything else in my life. I want to be alone.
It's hard to be social at a party where I only know everyone by name, and little else. It's also hard to be social when the voices, the noise, the laughter, and my very reason for being at this party annoys the hell out of me. I want to go home for good. I want to be myself. I want to be alone.
Out.
I can finally shed light on why I feel this way: I'm simply not me.
From working 40 hours at Meijer to spending a ton of time with my girlfriend to losing myself in games in between, my daily routine is a battle against time. I wish I had more time for myself, essentially. If I used to take days at a time to be alone, reflect, work out, or write, I'm now having to squeeze these things into a few scattered hours per week. With such a tight schedule, I'm losing my creative and expressive self (which pretty much defines me) to a work-aholic, sex-driven, day-wasting gamer.
This couldn't be any more apparent than right now. I'm at a party with a ton of people and my girlfriend, yet despite being in a familiar place and with familiar people, I can't help but shake an incredible sadness that has been eating at me for weeks. I want out. I want to do my own thing. I don't want to stay in BG anymore. I don't want to spend money on crappy fast food anymore. I don't want to work at Meijer anymore. I don't want to play games like it's my only escape from everything else in my life. I want to be alone.
It's hard to be social at a party where I only know everyone by name, and little else. It's also hard to be social when the voices, the noise, the laughter, and my very reason for being at this party annoys the hell out of me. I want to go home for good. I want to be myself. I want to be alone.
Out.
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