A Feeling Deep Down Inside

It's been more than a week since I've posted, and with very good reason: holy crap am I busy with my new job.

CRI has turned out to be a fantastic job so far. Sure, the work is kind of boring, the pay isn't super awesome, and the drive is looooong, but I do feel very much so integrated into the business world now. Working at CRI isn't a super-uptight affair, either, so I'm able to relax when I need it, which is a nice change of pace from Meijer. I'm trying not to overeat myself into a fat blob, either, because I sit all day at CRI.

I've been going into this job wanting to become an 8-to-5 business man in many regards. I want the padfolio, the downtown lunch with coworkers, a briefcase, the blend of work and home every night that keeps me on track.

But then again, all of these things contrast with a theme common to Critically Correct: my desire to stay stuck in my childhood, to stay young. College took away a lot of the freedoms of "being young" that I had in high school, and Critically Correct was halfway founded on the concept of reflection on my past. The older I get, the deeper I reflect back into my younger days, and I sometimes find myself totally frozen in the middle of my day, lost in a memory so real and so vivid that my friends double-check me, as if I just lost all concentration for a moment.

I try to purposely pull myself back at more appropriate times. I instigate these with physical sensories: I have hundreds of songs that I loved from back in the day, dozens of smells that trigger younger times, many video games that I can sit down and play to recall a carefree childhood.

Most of the time, these diliberate attempts at nostalgia fail to satisfy me. I still end up feeling old, feeling worn, and longing for younger times. And then the flashbacks hit smack dab in the middle of my day.

But for all this babbling, this all comes down to one thing: I'm getting truly older (24 as of this past Saturday), and no longer do I have "a future to look forward to" -- I'm more or less living that "grown up" period now. Crap.

Despite the changing seasons, I'm still going to attempt to stay active outdoors, which takes a huge burden off my mind. Staying active really helps me focus more than anything else, and helps me to stay on track instead of falling into comfortable memories -- something I want to do all so much.