We Need To Talk, Facebook

As of this writing I am 26 years old. Facebook is 7 years old. I was with Facebook from Day One way back in 2004. It was a different kind of beauty back then - simple, clean, and easy to use. The Facebook we all know and love today is more like 4 years old - the birth of the News Feed changed everything. All in all, I think I have a few years of maturity on this baby. Between Facebook and I, I am the senior in this relationship.

But now it is time to talk about my relationships outside of Facebook. Yes, those.

You see, Facebook, you are causing all sorts of problems in my personal life.

Yes, you are a useful communication tool, an invaluable way to keep up with long-lost or distant friends. In many ways you are the epitome of what communication in the digital era is supposed to be: concise, instant, and always-available.

Yes, you are an interesting distraction. You cater to my almost primal desire to obtain knowledge. That devilish News Feed. Instant and daily updates on what my close friends, former lovers, known enemies, and stray co-workers are up to all day long. It is an addiction, really. All the drama, quotes, lyrics, jokes, and mundane updates I could ever need.

And yes, you are still beautiful. While you're interface can be a little inconsistent and even flabby around the sides, you adhere to enough of a minimalist design to have kept me happy over the years. A little exercise wouldn't hurt, though.

But, Facebook my dear, I have come to the conclusion that you are perhaps a little too useful. It seems some people use you as the middleman - the go-between, the private investigator.

I love my own vanity, no doubt, and will happily post my every whimsical thought, petty joke, skewed insight, and upcoming plan. But boy, Facebook, it sure is annoying when all of my awesome updates get contorted into something else entirely. I'm going where? With who? When? I said what to who?

If people cannot get enough drama in their lives (and similarly, enough Facebook), then you must revel in dishing out my every update. Spread my words to as many people as possible. Let them connect the dots. Let them see who I am one status update at a time. This is where all the problems are in my personal life. Some people just wrongly connect the dots, make assumptions about me, and throw a fit about it. How could you do this, Facebook?

You see, Facebook... Wait. I think it's me. You have been doing what you do all along. You are still beautiful. You keep me connected to all my friends. You work perfectly.

Facebook, I hate to say this, but maybe *I* am the problem. Maybe I shouldn't give you so damn much of my life. Maybe a little change is in order?

I am good at that, after all.

B3 out.