What the Rats Know - Part I

Oddly enough, winter break has been fairly busy for me. Hence why I never find the time to update. Then again, it has also turned out to be a very interesting break; one full of just as much change, drama, surprise, and shock as any full-length 16-week school semester.

Rather than try to come up with some cohesive thought and story for you, it's time for my favorite kind of entry... random bits!

• Lacey and I have not spoken all but a few times in the past week, and all times were casually at work. As much as I dreaded the day when her and I drifted apart, I'm finding that it is not so bad. I was even more surprised to discover that my nature tendency to break away from close friends in in relationships applies to her too. Two semesters ago Jaime was one of my closest friends. Over the summer she got a BF and for some strange reason, I lost all interest in her and she dropped off my radar. Same thing happened with Laecy. However, I discovering a side to me that I have not known of in a long time: the nice guy. Yes, Lacey altered me quite a bit in the last year, mainly into a bitter old man who became too selfish for his own good. If nothing else, in her absence, I'm learning to be free, healthy, and all the less selfish for it.

• Which leads me to my next (and last) point for tonight. I'm trying to set a goal for myself for the upcoming semester; a goal to define the type of person that I want to be known for. I am still working on the list, but for sure I know that I want to be known as an all-around nice guy, an approachable guy, and more importantly, a reliable guy (something I've sucked at before). Here's hoping.

• After my semi-successful hunger strike, I've decided to attempt strikes of other varieties, with the next one possibly being a cell phone strike for a full week (...).

Finally, referencing the title of today's (and tomorrow's) blog post, "Even Rats" is a song by The Slip, an awesome band that I discovered via "Guitar Hero," thanks especially to my sister. Don't know them? Google 'em and check them out. You won't regret it.

I'll be back tomorrow with a huge post. Stay tuned.

Damn!

I've been long-overdue for a big update, and I have plenty to say, but alas, such matters will have to wait one more day. It seems my parents deem me both "irresponsible" and "likely to kill myself" by merely possessing a 500 ml bottle of Bacardi 151. Indeed, this is a tasty rum that I savor for its flavor and sparse use in drinks more than its alcoholic content. But then again, they would not understand that, since it's automatically assumed that I'm an alcoholic for possessing such a demonic bottle of liquor.

I'll update when I'm in a less-than-sour mood.

Sweetness

Sweet link for ya...

Some 100 things that we (collectively, anyway) did not know about 12 months ago. It's an interesting read:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/magazinemonitor/index.html#a007948

Out.

Some Answers...

Yes, I have had plenty of conversations with a friend that just makes me plain sad. I'm usually the cause of said sadness. I've had numerous conversations about all sorts of serious topics, such as my past and things in general. I rarely find anyone who totally understands me... in fact, I have yet to find anyone who completely understands what I have to say about myself. But it *is* cool when I find the occasional person who can understand. There are lots of things that I don't tell people, actually... when I try to open up to someone who I care about, they seem so neutral to me it's not funny.

And now for the questions.

Better Late Than Never

Merry Christmas, everyone!

And To All...

Merry Christmas, everyone.

I'm off my strike and beginning something much more productive: self-discovery for a change.

For Christ(mas) Sake

What does Christmas mean to you?

For me, it certainly used to mean something special. Nowadays, it's a pain.

As a child, I looked forward to Christmas every year starting with early November. October 4th is my birthday, with a round of presents and whatnot, and seems to be a nice precursor to the Christmas season. By the middle of November, I'm definitely ready to relax and enjoy family time.

This was the way of the Bruno's until 2001. Enter Meijer.

Christmas today means next to nothing to me. I get to see some of my dwindling family (grandparents are not doing well, family feuding separates, no Tammi), I buy for a few people, and I work a whole hell of a lot. I'm honestly sick of what retail has done to me. Christmas would be so much more magical if I did not have to deal with it from July to January every year. Retail does that to you. I'm bitter, cold, and upset that my childhood memories of Christmas are being replaced with constant reminders of what Christmas means to retailers: money, money, money.

Disenchanted

Today's featured lyrics come from My Chemical Romance.

For some reason my life has fallen into an immediate slump of anger, fear, depression, and uncontrollable hormones all at once. One of my major goals in moving on from Lacey was to remove myself from six years worth of memories. Thus far, in destroying old memories I've noticed that I'm having problems creating new ones: that is, remembering simple things. Am I too focused on my goal?

Another bugger in the pipes is something that I am still working on: girls. I've decided that at this period in my life I don't need a full, loving, dedicated relationship, and I'm throwing the towel in for a while on relationships and am going to have fun, play nice, and enjoy myself. Thus, I retract anything I said in the last twenty blog posts about Colleen, Kristin, or Laura on an intimate, almost perverted level. Instead, I will forge a new path with new rules and (hopefully) stronger feelings for friends, family, and myself.

Quiet Hypocrisy

I hate it when someone who downplays certain behavior exhibits it themselves...

All Over the Place

Ack! I've had a slow past couple of days, have put WAY too many miles on my car, spend too much time thinking deep thoughts, and wallowing in my general miserable feeling that is my life.

Tomorrow I will be making a trip to Findlay for a while. My Christmas shopping is done, so I'm mainly going along to enjoy myself with a few friends.

Is it odd that I wish school were still in so... I felt more worthwhile?

Short Stuff

With two major blogs to update (CCAC is quickly dying), I find it hard where to devote my attention. I did update my hunger strike blog, and that will most likely being the blog to receive the most attention. I'm almost a week into it, and I'm still doing decent, albeit very tired a lot more often.

Out.

Second Life Fun

It's been a random, short night. Spent most of the night either playing old-school PC Doom I and Doom II, or up in Second Life.

I've decided to take up the task of apartment hunting in second life. I'm not yet ready to plump down a steady for of cash into the metaverse for full-land rights yet, and rentable apartments are plentiful and, most importantly, cheap. I'm going to plop down $20 worth of Linden Dollars and start renting this weekend, after doing some shopping. Once I get things set up (furniture, nice kitchen, maybe a drink bar), I will invite all to come over for a house warming party. See you in the metaverse.

Snippets of Truth

Since serious progress is being made on my short story "Event Horizon," I've found it amusing to add little snippets of character development that are based on actual quirks from my friends. One such example is a paragraph I recently wrote, which is loosely based on Colleen's general feelings towards her roommate. Thanks for the material!

"Stacey and Spike followed Kale to his room. Kale did not want to stay long, however, given the immediate intimacy that Spike and Stacey engaged in. It was his room too, dammit; why couldn't Spike respect that and save his sexual desires for later? Kale was annoyed enough to leave, and leave loudly."

Out.

Past My Bedtime

I have a feeling that although school is no longer a priority for me over winter break, I will be finding my bedtimes becoming shorter and shorter, if today is any indication. I've been hungry since about 2:00pm, when my stomach decided to start making noise during the middle of my first of two exams.

Somewhere around 9:00 tonight an extreme fatigue took over, and I was ready for bed. I'm pressing on since tonight is my last late night for a while (thanks to work).

Exams are over with, and it feels damn good to be done with the semester.

And I sure hope Colleen TXT's me soon or else I'm gonna be out for the night... :-(

Out.

Finally!

Here it is, the last day of school. Almost... in a way.

I literally have nothing to do today besides exams. Indeed, the highlight of my morning until then will be an exciting 10:30am wake up call for lazy butt. Okay, she's not really that lazy, but I understand the convenience of wake up calls, and I'll certainly do anything for her nowadays...

And therein lies one of my fears. Excuse me for talking out of my ass for a change (brutal honesty seems to upset people), but one of my core problems is that six years ago I told myself I would never again like anyone besides Lacey. I swore it (despite being atheist), I hammered it into me, and when we dated, I promised my life to her. There was no other option.

Then college came along, and with it, new people, some exciting, some shitty, and others... mysterious. Enter "her" (blah, blah, you know you who are...). Casual glances between strangers, random run-ins, and it took a full year before I could attach a name to a face.

Long story short (and to save a lot of bullshit in the middle), I have had to come to terms that I do indeed like someone besides Lacey, all at the same time that Lacey is treating me like crap anyway... so what exactly is holding me back from displaying my true feelings?

As it turns out... nothing...

Time to have some fun!

Quickie

Well, I have one major exam (Math 222) done and over with. Although I don't feel like I did super-awesome on the test, I certainly gave it my best and am hoping for the best.

Next up, Theater and Film 161... cake!

Updates later tonight, including a response to my behavior from last night.

Pain

I made a pretty picture tonight! It looks like this!

B3's Bowling Bash '07

I know it is very early, however, I wish to take a moment to announce...

B3's Bowling Bash '07, the original bash, will be held on February 24th, 2007.

Details on times/events/costs will be posted online sometime in early January, and invitations will go out shortly thereafter. To celebrate the one-year anniversary since my original bash, I plan on several special events taking place, in addition to the expected trip to Al-Mar Lanes.

Party, WooHoo!

Last night was Colleen's 21st (midnight) birthday.

What a night.

The night started with Colleen sharing a Qdoba meal with me (which reminds me, hunger strike time, read here). Afterwards, we have random fun in Ben Franklin and driving around a few places in BG before settling down to start the night. Thanks to people bailing at the last minute, the night's participants were cut down quite quickly.

What I have feared for a few weeks turned out to be true, as no bars in BG will take a still-vertical state ID. Looks like we'll be getting her a new one soon enough.

After hanging out (and drinking) at Colleen's place, we made way to a friend's place of hers in town. It was a sweet (apparently Wendy's-only club) party with some hilarious people. I didn't tell her last night, but it seems Wendy's people throw way better parties than Meijer people. I certainly think so, anyway.

After arriving home at a super-late 4:30am, I crashed.

I was planning to stay the night with Colleen, but a Lacey-related situation made my own bed necessary. I just can't sleep well in a strange place when I'm stressed.

The good news, it seems, is that I won't have to be stressed anymore, as "cold-turkey" is the only way to describe the conditions between Lacey and I. I have been letting go of the past, and after realizing last night that she lied to me over the last few months, there's nothing I can do to heal old wounds. However, I am looking forward to closing that chapter of my life as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately, another chapter is starting to begin, and it's starting on a bad foot... it almost always does when you like a friend... as more than a friend...

Random Bits...

Today was the last day of classes for this semester, and it was a relief to... not go to my one and only class. Figures.

Today was also what I am considering a milestone in my life, with Lacey exiting (a very messy) stage left, in the meanwhile I'm considering discussing with someone else my true feelings about her, although there is always that risky "what if" question...

But then again, I can't ignore my feelings much longer...

Big update later today, stay tuned.

Glowing Responses

My blog post yesterday elicited more than a few responses. People: don't read into it too much. No, I won't give names to match phrases, nor hints; I did it simply for fun, so try not to make a huge deal out of it.

With that out of the way...

I have finally posted my AudioCast Episode 003, over at the official website. The update was long-coming.

Three days and counting before my hunger strike begins... I'm counting down in meals...

The Thoughts I Spew

The following is a list of things that I wish I could say to people (or have come close to saying). They are in no particular order, do not feature names or identifying traits, and some people have multiple lines associated with them.

Don't ask what lines match to who, because I won't tell you. Enjoy!

• Fuck you, you're an asshole to me and I don't know why I take your shit.
• I used to hate you for dating him, but now you're one of the nicest people I know.
• I need a hug. I want it from you.
• You're really cool, just immature sometimes... it sort of bugs me, but not too much.
• I really do care about you, even though you seem so... neutral towards me. I must ask, do you like me too?
• But I love you so much, and it's hard to deal with this, jus t
  
• I know deep down inside you still care and love me, I just need to be more patient.
• Waiting fucking sucks, when can this end?
• You really are cute, and yet, so inexperienced that it scares me.
• The second you started dating her I lost you. It really makes me sad.
• I realized recently that despite mistakes I've made in the past, I think I'm starting to love you.
• Can I hold your hand?

Catch you next time.

Out.

Updates!

Well, today went very well. Work was work, nothing much to say there, and then my day just got better. The hit list:

• I got a better-than-expected 83% on my math test!
• My CS class wasn't boring as hell today, given that we had a substitute teacher.
• I finally saw "Monty Python's The Meaning of Life." Being such a big, "cult classic," I was expecting greatness, and although I didn't enjoy the film so much, it was indeed my last screening for my Theater/Film class.
• I spent a ton of money on a super-secret, spoiling online purchase... :-)

Finally, I've also launched a new site to track (and announce) my upcoming 30-day hunger strike. Read all about it here:

http://b3hs.blogspot.com

Out.

No Updates :-(

I've tried three separate times this past weekend to update, but to no avail. I also wasn't able to post AudioCast Episode 3, but hopefully that'll be in the pipeline for Tuesday.

Anywho, since it's the last week of school (full classes, anyway), I won't have much time to update, given the heavy load of work to be done. However, I'll update if anything important comes up, so stay tuned nonetheless.

I did update my Calendar for this week, so check that out if you feel so inclined. Otherwise...

Out.