Random Thoughts and People

Time for a hit list, but a somewhat unusual one.

I'm thinking about a lot of people in my life, and they are thought of as below, in no particular order.

• I think back to my life four years ago this month, and I realize how much I wish I had taken the other path; the one with you, not her.

• I'm mad as hell at you, and you don't even know why. Hell, you don't even know I'm mad. Yet.

• I know that love is not always based on romance, and I never thought that I could say "I love you" in this way before. You're a great friend no matter what I say otherwise.
  

• I don't call you nearly enough, and you try to get a hold of me all the time. What's my problem?

• I'm having a lot of fun with you, but I'm scared in trying to tell you what I really think.

• I hate you with a passion - I boil when I see you, and I fume when I think about you. So why do I want to talk to you again so bad?

• How's it going? Is the wife doing okay? Got a house yet? When are the kids coming?

• Dude, watch yourself with her. Selfishness can grow out of nothing and before you know it, you're tripping without even realizing it. I'll keep an eye on you, though - you two are perfect.

Time for bed. Out.

The Titles of the Dream

I'm thrilled by how Event Horizon is coming along, and I'm slightly ahead of schedule in my revisions. Not that time matters - even though I'm slightly ahead with revisions, I've decided to add a couple of scenes, which will slightly set me back as a whole.

Anywho, out of sheer curiosity, I've posted the titles to all thirteen chapters below (as well as the introduction). I rarely title individual chapters of my fiction, but I feel that they work well with the context of the story. Some titles are set in stone, others are shaky, and some are outright placeholders. By exposing them to public scrutiny, I'm hoping to open up the possibility for change.

• Introduction: The Means to No End
• Part I: Welcome to Pine Creek
• Part II: Discovery of the Outer Elements
• Part III: And Everything Else
• Part IV: Absolution of the Nightmare
• Part V: The Spaces In Between
• Part VI: The Horizon Break-In
• Part VII: The Land Before Dreams
• Part VIII: Reality Bites
• Part IX: Accepting Lies
• Part X: The Truth Blurred
• Part XI: In Retrospect
• Part XII: The Death of the Dream
• Part XIII: The End

Thanks for listening. Out.

The Almost-Bad Day

What a difference 7 hours makes.

Going to bed around 9:30pm last night, I had my alarm (ie, my cell phone) set for the usual 4:30am to wake up in order to get ready for work at 6:00am.

Imagine my surprise, then, when I woke up in a dark bedroom and found my cellphone dark. I flipped it open to check the time, thinking that it was in the middle of the night. It was off. Shit, I thought, I'm late for work. Getting up, I confirmed my fear: 5:45am and counting.

Having bolted to work with barely a shower and clean clothes, I quickly discovered that my cell phone battery is all but dead. After providing it with a full charge last night, it died overnight. Worse yet, it won't charge or keep what little charge it does get.

Thus, I am out of a cell phone for the time being.

Which brings me to one interesting wrinkle: my cell phone is an integral part of my daily life. As a communication tool, I've found it jarring to be so silent and cut off. I'm already aware of missed messages, and I'm sure more than a few of my friends have tried getting a hold of me, only taking my lack of a response in anger rather than puzzlement.

Anywho, I'll be on AIM whenever possible, although Facebook messaging is a more reliable way to get a hold of me in the interim. I'll be looking for a new cell phone after fair week.

Until then... out.

Ramblings

Hit list time:

• I returned to the BG Community Center today after work, and found my 45 minute workout to be insanely refreshing. The experience was worth every minute, and I intend to integrate the CC into my 40 hour work week. This has been (tentatively) reflected on my calendar.

• Which reminds me, my calendar has been updated for the next two weeks, and includes my (forever-repeating) work schedule, my fair schedule, and other random happenings.

• I've canceled my World of Warcraft account. I have already become far too busy to find the hours and hours a day that I need to keep up with it, and with school less than a month away, I feel that it's for the best. I will have until August 21st to play, which is the end of my current billing period.

• I have begun to design my "new semester style" - that is, the complete flow of my weekly routine, planned whereabouts, and probably availability for this coming semester. I will post the details of this on my calendar for the week of August 19th, the week we go back to school.
  

Time for another day of work, working out, and visiting. Out.

All Sorts of Reviews

I'm a very opinionated person... I can say that for sure. I've been spending quite some money lately for my Wii, and I have several short reviews ready to roll for some classic games.

I'm rating these games with a few reservations in mind: I'm looking at their original appeal, their staying power, and the quality of emulation on the Wii.

Super Mario World (Wii VC)
One of the true Mario classics, this sits atop the best of the best, ranked closely behind Super Mario 64 and Super Mario Bros. 3 as the best Mario platformer ever produced. Many will argue that it sticks too close to the Super Mario Bros. 3 formula, but what's wrong with that? Super Mario World was a landmark game in 1990/1991, and it still remains a fun, at-times challenging play-through to this day. Unfortunately, the Wii emulation suffers from many bouts of slowdown (in particular, six or more enemy sprites on-screen at once seems too much for the emulation to handle). This is unfortunate, but does not generally detract from the game's overall playability. Definitely worth 800 Wii Points.

Kirby's Dream Course (Wii VC)
A personal favorite back in the day, Kirby's Dream Course is a mini-golf simulation of sorts. By setting direction, power, spin, etc., the player had to guide Kirby across course while defeating enemies to guide him to the hole. Many unique aspects from the Kirby universe make an appearance, including many of his popular powers. The game is very challenging overall, and I'm sure many new players today would find it controller-throwingly frustrating. For seasoned gamers, however, the game's sixty-four courses may be over all-too quick. Bonus points, however, for featuring a unique two-player simultaneous cooperative AND competitive mode, with a full set of courses separate from the single player mode. Emulation problems exists with color: certain parts of levels seem to go dark for no explainable reason, an issue that was not present in the original release. Still, highly worth a download for anyone looking for a completely unique - and challenging - game.

In completely different news, August is almost upon us, which means that the Wood County Fair is around the corner. I intend to spend many days at the fair next week, ending with the Silversun Pickup's concert on August 6th. It'll be a hell of a week.

Also starting tomorrow, I will be returning to the Community Center for daily workouts. I plan to alternate indoor workouts with biking all through August, the third and final phase of my B3.0 Initiative. I hope it goes well...

Anywho, I'm off to bed and off to work... out.

The End of the Dream

Principle writing of Event Horizon is now complete. Yes, there is still much work to be done in revisions, but the core story is now on paper and free from my head. Most excellent.

I set the end of August as my goal to bring the story to full completion, and I couldn't be happier to be pressing on to this goal. I'm horribly excited to be this far along.

Out.

A Surprising Night

I've begun my week-long push to finish principle writing of Event Horizon. So far, it's coming along great.

In other news, I had a surprisingly fun time the other night. I went out with Colleen, Denise, and met up with Austin and Korinne for B-Dubs. B-Dubs was surprisingly bad: the wings were tiny, the sauce not good, and the drinks too alcoholic... DQ afterwards was a blast. With Bash last Friday and Cedar Point this past Tuesday, I thought my fun for the week was up. I suppose not.

Tonight I had Pagliai's with Kristin, and it was as yummy as ever - never a let down at that place. While working on Event Horizon at Grounds tonight, I had a small revelation with regarding the ending of the story, and I'm furiously working to make the changes.

Anywho... I have a long weekend of work coming up (4am, yuck), and a full 40-hour work week, so I'll be considerably tied up. I do have my complete review of Yoshi's Island DS coming early next week, so stay tuned for that. I recently bought the game, which was a gamble for me, considering how close I hold the 1995 original to my gaming heart. So far, I haven't been let down...

With that, I'm off to bed.

Out.

New Shiny Things and B3.0 Going Very Well

Time for a hit list.

• I finally received my new Zen Vision:M. My initial impressions of the device are pretty much in line with popular critical reviews, so there is not much to say in regards to features. Personally, I've found the Vision:M to be a nice progressive upgrade to my previous MP3 player, a Creative Zen Touch. The screen is a vast improvement, the touchpad is highly refined (ie - not overly sensitive), and the WinXP software has been very easy to use thus far. I think I made a smart purchase. Now I need a damn case to protect it from scratches.
  

• As a complete turn around from a couple of weeks ago, the B3.0 Initiative is suddenly going very well. With Event Horizon falling into place very well, my return to biking happening this Friday, a surprising loss in weight (when did that happen - and HOW?), I'm finding the goals of B3.0 clipping along very nicely. I'm thrilled for the near future. Upcoming major events include:

• The Silversun Pickups Concert
• The Wood County Fair
• Three Days Grace / Seether concert
• Publishing of Event Horizon
• Countdown and Return to School

• Finally, I pose a few questions that stem from the near-complete Event Horizon.

• If you could accept dreams as reality, would you give up all you know and love in favor of living in your dreams?

• Where should your trust be placed: with your best friend who constantly hides the truth from you; or your annoying, seedy roommate who brings out the worst in you?

• Is a lie that keeps you from being hurt better than the painful truth?

Out.

The Future Horizon

With principle writing wrapping up on Event Horizon, I can't help but wonder what's next - in a couple of ways.

First up, my writing career in general can take one of two twists: I can either pick up on another old story (Almost Gone) or try my hand at some entirely new fiction. I've been generating ideas lately for where I would like to take Almost Gone, and much of the experience that I've gained from writing Event Horizon is being poured directly into these ideas.

On the other hand, my fiction has become drawn-out, deep affairs... hence why I take too long on each individual project. I generated the initial concept for Event Horizon nearly three years ago, and I honestly don't want my next project to turn into that. I would like, however, to try my hand at writing true short story fiction. I'm talking fifteen to thirty minute reads. More than anything, one of my B3.0 Initiative bullet points, discipline, is something that I could learn to follow with my writing. As I generate random story ideas in my head (I get dozens a day), I can take the most interesting few each week and perhaps grind them into a short story. This is just an example of the direction I would like to go, of course.

Also in the future, I've been considering if the characters of Event Horizon - Kale, Colby, Spike, and of course, Shaylee - are worth exploring in any other fashion. I've left the ending to EH a bit ambiguous, but certainly not without closure. I've had a few continuation ideas for the EH storyline, and I certainly might explore some of these in the future. Perhaps a combination of the two: weekly short stories based on the Event Horizon storyline? Who the hell knows.

I do know this: I want to keep writing. Two and a half years ago I switched my major from Creative Writing to Computer Science. In the past six months, I've been honestly questioning this move, although I know I need the stable income that a CS degree can provide me before I can honestly write creatively. Still, I have a lot of stories to share with the world, and I certainly shall share them all one day.

Out.

A Summary

A quick and dirty summary:

Bash was excellent - a complete success, and this year's Bash towered above and beyond last year's. Memories for sure. See the photo album on Facebook here.

I have a busy week ahead of me, including a trip to Cedar Point, very little work (yay!), and the wrapping up of Event Horizon (double yay!).

Until I can get more time, I'm off for the night. I'll blog soon.

Out.

Welcome To Bash '07

B3's Summer Bash '07 is upon us.

Welcome.

Some last minute details:

• Most people should show up between 4:30 and 5:00pm. Food will be made when everyone can agree upon a time to eat.

• Activities that are ready to roll out the door: Wii (2-player), N64 (4-player), Guitar Hero I and II (2-player), DDR, water balloons, and tons of music. We can add to this list as we see fit. Plenty of stores are nearby should we need supplies (ahem... Mentos?).

• Nonalcoholic drinks are mainly Kool-Aid based. Water and milk are also available. Bring your own pop if you desire, as I won't have much on hand.
  

• At some point a fire pit will be lit, which opens up the possibilities for telling stories, heavy drinking, playing with fireworks, and of course, making s'mores. Yes, we have stuff for s'mores.

• Near to the fire will be a very large, two-room tent. If anyone wishes, we may camp out all night, and if you feel that this is something that you would be interested in, bring a sleeping bag! In case camping isn't your thing, anyone may take advantage of my own accommodations, which include my bed, a comfy couch, and several square feet of floor (ha!). My ass will most likely be in the tent either way.

With that... I shall see you at 4:30pm. Check the Facebook event page for contact details in case you need to get a hold of me prior to Bash.

"Bash is Back."

Out.

Coming To An End

I'm approaching a major milestone in my writing career, and I'm going to be taking advantage of it soon.

I'm wrapping up principle writing of Event Horizon, and should be finished by the end of next week. Bash is this Friday, followed by three wonderful days off work, then a trip to Cedar Point early next week. After that, beginning Wednesday, my calendar will be locked down for at least a week, allowing me full access and all the free time I need to wrap up Event Horizon.

If all goes as planned, I'll begin my final revisions to the story the week after that, and should have it (finally, finally, finally, finally...) out the door in late August.

For those who read the first half of the story way back when, I can promise you that the second half of the story is the most exciting and emotional bit of story that I have ever put to paper. You won't be let down. I promise.

Bash Is Coming

And so the final stretch begins...

B3's Summer Bash '07 is this coming Friday. Thus far, the weather looks to be awesome: near 80 degrees and partly cloudy: exactly the weather we had last year. I can't wait.

The food is lined up, activities are being planned, and the people are set... I'm deathly excited for Bash... and you should be too.

See you Friday at four.

In other (depressing) news, I'll have word about major changes to my job coming up this Tuesday, so stay tuned for either a hate-filled post or a "eh" kind of post...

Out.

The Truth About B3.0

The B3.0 Initiative, my summer-long continuous improvement plan, has thus far been a spectacular failure, and it's taken me this long (two full months and some-odd days) to admit defeat.

The honest truth behind my reasoning for starting my B3.0 Initiative is based on something that I should not admit: Lacey. Although generally a thorn in my side now a days, a sizable portion of the initiative has been based the concept that "future possibilities exist." Long before we ever broke up - hell, even long before we ever dated - Lacey lived by, and bore unto me, a motto: "it will happen if it was meant to happen, no matter the time or place." This, of course, sounds suspiciously similar to the idea of fate, which Lacey has always believed in. I typically wrote it off as a quasi-religious statement. For a brief while after our breakup, this became my solace; knowing that her and I were at one time too close to not come together again. What I never believed would happen is exactly what has happened: the complete separation of her and I. Being completely apart from one another makes it seem as though we'll never so much as talk again.

She has her life, which I am not in the least bit a part of, and I have mine, which quite frankly, is sucking right now. It would be easy to say that a lack of Lacey is the reason for my misery, but that would sound like I'm stuck in the past...

In recent memory, however, I have come to find myself reaffirming more and more in the old adage that Lacey taught me: despite our past and current troubles, and no matter the space or time, there is always a chance that things might work out again one day. It was not until a full year after our breakup that I really understood all of the reasons for my mistakes during our relationship. I blamed much of the breakup on her... now I'm well aware that much of my attitude and problems are behind it.

I couldn't just change and hope for the best... we were too far removed from one another, and she was quickly creeping up on a new boyfriend (her current one). Instead, I assumed it best to let her have her space, knowing fully well that deep down inside I was a jealous ex-boyfriend who still suffered from many old problems.

Without Lacey in my life, I've pushed onwards to better myself as a person in many respects. Leave it to my friends, then - those that care about me the most - to point out to me that I really haven't changed. Fifty-percent of the reasoning behind the B3.0 Initiative was to improve old faults that I still deal with, to become a better person, clinging onto the hope that "it was still meant to happen" with Lacey. At one time in my life I was impatient. I counted the progress of my life in days and weeks. Now I count progress in months and years, knowing that serious change and life-defining events take a long time to manifest. The B3.0 Initiative was supposed to be for Lacey, not myself.

Over the last couple of weeks I have begun to question the direction that I've been planning to take - the direction the initiative is taking me. Yesterday, I came to terms with what some of my friends have been trying to tell me: I still have problems. They might deny that nothing is wrong with me, that it's just my actions and words not always matching up, or being as nice as could be. Upon reading this anger-filled writing, I was taken back to November 5th like it was happening all over again. I haven't been happy since.

It's not that I fear deeply-buried feelings for a former love, or newfound fun with current friends, or the potential disaster that could come from a few bad decisions. It is none of those. Ultimately, what's been proven to me is that in two years, I have not fundamentally changed. Everything that made me an asshole back then still makes me an asshole today. I do lie about many things, I do tell people different things (although it's amazing how twisted things still get when I don't), and I do say one thing and do another very often. My problem is that I don't know why I did it then and I don't know why I do it now.

If I can't tackle my own problems myself, then where, how, and when do I get help?

The Flashback Songs

Every so often a song comes along that is so good and so utterly awesome that it becomes not only a personal timeless favorite, but a defining moment in my life. Just as some people recall memories with images, smells, or touching, I also adhere very tightly to music as a history tool.

I began listening to and liking music as a leisure activity in the eighth grade, and my interests in music exploded throughout high school. My first two CDs, Astro Lounge by Smash Mouth and Walking Off the Buzz by The Blessid Union of Souls introduced me to many sounds, and this begins my musical time line.

1998 - "All-Star" by Smash Mouth
My first favorite song, this represents "the beginning" for me, and every time I listen to it I am pulled back to late 1998, along with memories of my first portable CD player that I got for my birthday that year.

1999 - "Hey Leonardo (She Likes Me For Me)" by The Blessid Union of Souls
This was the first song that I tied to a particular girl in my life, happily imagining a life described in the song, hoping my crush at the time would "like me for me." Boy was I wrong.

1999 - "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John
Much of the music that I was initially exposed to was from my parents collection, and I discovered my liking the music of Elton John right away. At this time in my life I was still bouncing from crush to crush, but "Tiny Dancer" certainly described how I felt about a very special girl at the time.

2000 - The albums My Own Prison and Human Clay by Creed
Both of these albums, pushed onto me thanks to the single "Higher," introduced me to my first full-on acoustic/rock experience, and I embodied every song across these albums (and later, Weathered). "Higher" became my first feel-good rock anthem, while "My Own Prison" stands as a reminder of all the mistakes I made in high school.

2001 - "Hanging By A Moment" by Lifehouse
As one of my all-time favorite songs, "Hanging By A Moment" became my "Lacey anthem." Ask her if you wish; she could tell you of how closely I held to the lyrics of this song, and how many times I referenced it in courting her throughout the remaining three years of high school.

2001 - "Plush" by Stone Temple Pilots
During my massive weight loss/diet in the summer of 2001, "Plush" ran through my CD player more than any other song, and it was my anthem for the future, my "where am I going for tomorrow" song.

2001 - "Breakdown" by Tantric
Ranked as my personal favorite song, "Breakdown" (and Tantric's music in general) represented an evolution of my musical taste, and confirmed the acoustic/rock genre as my favorite (read: Live, Pearl Jam, Foo Fighters, etc.). It's still a pick-up-and-listen feel-good song any day.

2002 - "You" by Buckcherry
Quietly and without much admittance to my friends, I fell in love with a song that resembled every emotion and feeling that I had towards Lacey. In short, it was as beautiful as she was.

2003 - "Comedown" by Bush
Generally accepted to be the song to represent my high school career, the lyrics and outright power-rock of "Comedown" was revealing to how I felt about my high school years. Between massive emotional changes, meeting new friends, firsts of just about everything, and my focal point, Lacey, "Comedown" is everything:

"Love and hate get it wrong
She cut me right back down to size
Sleep the day, let it fade
Who was there to take your place
No one knows never will
Mostly me but mostly you
What do you say do you do
When it all comes down;

I don't wanna come back down from this cloud
Taken me all this time to find out what I need."

2003 - "Naked" by Avril Lavigne
A non-hit, but certainly a good song. 2003 saw many transitions for me, among them the loss of Lacey (temporarily), and a focus into college at BGSU. "Naked" ties in strongly because one of my absolute best friends at this time, Brittany, was also a fan of this song. It's indescribable in many ways, but the memories of our time together are always conjured when I hear this song.

2004 - "Jesus of Suburbia" by Green Day
Certainly, without a doubt, the best track from Green Day's American Idiot album, "Jesus of Suburbia" was a song that made me a fan of the band. It also helped develop my first real opinion of current events in the world, in this case the so called "war" in Iraq. It made me political. Thanks a lot, Green Day.

2005 - "Last Train Home" by Lostprophets
Deep into my relationship with Lacey, in the summer of 2005, the Lostprophets brought a raw energy and great-feeling rock that I have used to represent the best-of-the-best, awe-inspiring notions that come with a perfect summer: warm weather, a girl to love (and to make love to), loads of friends, and a bright future.

2006 - "Hate Me" by Blue October
In the months after my breakup with Lacey, I struggled to find any music that provided a solace to me. About four months into being a very single and depressed man, I stumbled upon Blue October, and nothing has been the same since. "Hate Me," despite sounding like a self-pity song, was the song to perk me up when I needed it, bringing not pity, but strength to me when I needed it the most. To this day, Blue October stands as one of my favorite bands.

2006 - "Crazy Bitch" by Buckcherry
The bad-boys that I followed like a religion in high school came back with an incredible album, and more importantly, an incredible song that replaced "Last Train Home" as my head-banging, summer rock anthem. Yes, it's dirty, and yes it's wrong... but I'll be damned if it ain't good.

2007 - "Far Behind" by Candlebox
Yes, the song itself is well-more than a decade old, but I did not discover it until this year. Having been without Lacey in my life for several months, I've finally put old ghosts aside and have been pushing forward to redefine what I expect from myself. "Far Behind" is my way of saying goodbye to a life behind me. Corny? Yes. Meaningful? To me, most definitely. My new favorite.

And with that, a brief glimpse at some of the most important songs in my life. Although there are hundreds of songs that hold some special meaning to me, and dozens more that could have made this list, these are the above-all-else standouts. And yes, many songs are described as being associated with a girl in my life, which goes to show you how attached I was to the ladies throughout much of my life thus far.

What's best about this list? I never know where the next meaningful song in my life will come from.

Out.

Leaving the Blue Pill Behind

Everyone knows what the Red Pill does: it removes the mask of ignorance and meaning from your life, and shows you the 'truth.' The Red Pill introduces a person to the truths about his or her surroundings, place in the world, and possible future scenarios. The Red Pill reveals all that is the truth.

And so it goes, vice-versa, that "ignorance is bliss." If the truth removes all meaning and purpose from life, then what could the average human being even desire to have anymore... what is the purpose of a meaningless life?

Fortunately for most people, such deep concepts are regulated for religion to deal with. Being an atheist (although a sometimes spirited one, at that), I only see religion as a path of the Blue Pill: a false pretense that ensnares one to keep his or her life in check, to bring meaning and purpose.

The purpose of my banter/rant/bashing: I'm back, and as stressed as ever.

Rather than drone on about my miserable life, here's a summary of my time off (and summer thus far), as told with my oh-so-favorite hit list.

• My Summer of Biking has been going better than expected, although not as well as I originally hoped. Originally I expected to biking four days a week, while maintaining a high-protein and high-fiber diet. I bike on average three days a week and eat tons of junk food to go along with it. I think the two just barely cancel each other out. Oh well.

• Meijer goes as well as can be. I'm still enjoying working in Grocery. About once a week someone in the store asks me if I like Grocery more than Systems. Yes, the answer is YES. It's amazing that I've been doing this "new" job for 8 months now, and some people act like it was yesterday that I transferred. A rubbish. I work a steady weekly routine that affords me thirty hours, three days off, and I still make plenty of money to save up for a big end-of-summer purchase.

• World of Warcraft has completely consumed me, although I have learned when and how to put it down in favor of my "normal" life. One thing has been decided, however - I'll certainly maintain my playing it into the new school year. I'm quite active in-world, and I do enjoy making a WoW session part of my daily life, which I feel is better for me than a constant "just hook it to my veins!!!"-obsessed mentality, which causes me to generally disregard all my friends and normal life.
  

• I've been plugging away SLOWLY on Event Horizon. I consider this short story to be my next "big release" - and it better well damn be; it's been cooking for over two years now, maybe three (honestly, I lost count). The story originally started as a concept: I tend to have very trippy dreams, particularly when certain dreams cross over into waking thought throughout the middle of the night. I originally envisioned Event Horizon as a means to share some of my dreams, although I initially was unsure of how to tie such random sequences together. The original draft for the story has been done for quite some time, but I've had trouble finishing it due to major logic gaps. About two weeks ago I decided to fix this issue by cutting out large sections of the story that seemed "extraneous." The Event Horizon that I'm now targeting for release is a much quicker read than the original design. I look forward to its completion by the end of summer.

• I've been egged on lately about a situation that's all-too familiar to me. I've had feelings for two people at once, told each of them many of the same things, then got busted for such. This isn't the first time that I've done something like this. What's more worrisome is that in the act of doing it, I don't even think rationally - I simply do it without realizing that I doing anything wrong. What makes the latest problem so bad is that the people involved each fulfill a certain need/want of mine that I'm lacking in my life, meaning that I've had to turn to each one in the same light to meet my "needs." Obviously, this is idiotic of me. I've done this so many times before it's amazing I haven't been killed by now.

Which brings me to the Blue Pill. I often ignore the truths in my life in order to fully live out whatever I deem suits me best... even if it involves lying. I've spent much of the last month, and very recently, the last couple of weeks, vigiourously debating what is best for me: the path of the Blue Pill, doing what I fancy first, lying to get there, and thinking short-term, or the path of the Red Pill, knowing my strengths, faults, and weaknesses ahead of time, in order to overcome them in the long-term.

I've decided to leave the Blue Pill alone for a while and focus on the truths in my life: I have addictions that I need to overcome, school needs to become a higher priority in the next year, and I must return to the younger-minded me: a caring, selfless individual. It will be a long path to that goal. I'm integrating much of these ideals into my B3.0 Initiative, and I'll certainly share details of that progress soon.

In the meantime, does anyone have a glass of water? This Red Pill looks too huge to swallow...

Out.